I don't know why I didn't invite my daughter to come. I felt if my daughter came on this trip, she would take all the attention away from the girls because she always had to be the center of attention.
Later, it was mentioned to me that this hurt her very much and I can certainly understand how that might have happened. I wanted them to have the attention from the family because I felt they were more needy than she. So I decided to take the girls without my daughter.
I felt she was not the best influence on them though she was still young herself, only in her early 20's.
Several years later, when my mom died, I took in my other sister's 3 girls because my sister was a serious alcoholic and unable to care for them.
I feel I have failed at something more important than anything else in life, motherhood. I didn't want my kids to have a drunken mother and I was the only one of my four siblings that did not succumb to alcoholism. I know she was only 9 years old when my sister died at age 35 with 3 small children. Sometimes I feel: "My daughter would rather it was me that died as little as she cares for me." When my sister died, I know I had a lot of grief and a lot of fear because the cancer that killed her runs in families and the doctors were treating me like I was a cancer waiting to happen.
I wanted them to be proud of me and I was the only one in my biological family to become a college graduate. It was a terrible time filled with fright and grief.
My daughter carried through with her promise and I got some much needed "escape" on occasional weekends because she babysat for me.
She helped with cleaning the house and there was always a ton of housework. She wanted to be in the same bedroom with them and she was by now, in her early twenties and they, much younger, were influenced by her smoking in their bedroom, cursing and cynical, critical attitude.